Go forth

The Devil’s continued ownership of the best tunes appears unchallenged by the recent increase in popularity of file-sharing:

How about making bubble-wrap filled with helium, so that the more diligently you wrap your parcels, the lighter they become, and thus the cheaper they are to post…

You’d only need, say, fifty metres of bubble-wrap make the sending of a modestly sized cupcake to a long-distance birthday-endowed chum absolutely free.

I’ll take that million in Zimbabwean dollars please.

For a variety of reasons, I can’t really explain on a public web page the full origins of the epic list that follows. It’s the collected efforts of myself and a couple of friends from work inspired by a certain former workmate and that’s about as much as I can say. The truth is stranger than any fiction I could concoct.

So in the meantime, imagine if every film director in the world was an inveterate alcoholic, plagued with visions of the demon drink wherever he or she went. I’d like to think that it would result in the following great canon of movies. And yes, we did get a bit carried away.

The Man with the Iron Flask
Miller’s Crossing
Lush Hour
Special Brewster’s Millions
Finding Wino
Air Budweiser
The House of Flying Lagers
Summer Alcoholiday
Summer of Sambuca
James and the Giant Peach Schnappes
Hot Fizz
Bar Trek
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewater
Glenmorangie Glen Ross
The Thin Red Wine
Rosemary’s Babycham
Blackthorn Down
Rum Lola Rum
Dr Pernod
Meths in Venice
Snakebite on a Plane
Mr & Mrs John Smiths
The Thomas Corona Affair
The Secret Hoegaarden
Blame it on the Bells Boy
Becks, Lies & Videotape
Bacaardi to the Future
Eternal Moonshine of the Spotless Mind
Whisky Business 
Schindler’s Pissed
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Cobra
Liver Let Die
Educating Margarita
Turner & Hooch
Driving Pissed Daisy
Dude, Where’s My Carling?
The Silence of the Lambruscos
Hock, Stock and Two Empty Barrels
Falling Down
Midnight Rum
21 Drams
The Bourbon Supremacy
There’s Something About Sherry
Mead in Manhattan
Divorcing Jack Daniels
The Buckfast Club
Cognac Air
American History 4X
Tequila Mocking Bird
Days of Thunderbird
The Bottle Collector
Top Gin

Feel free to contribute additions to this eminently pointless list…

The topic of fainting goats came up at a party this weekend. I do find that the concept of swooning ungulates usually makes ideal small talk in an informal situation – it’s mentioned in all the top self-improvement books. Basically, they’re the Norman Wisdom of goats, a breed that stiffen up and topple over whenever they’re surprised. Not generally the best of predator defenses, particularly if you’re halfway up a mountain, as goats often tend to be.

Let me demonstrate (don’t worry, no involuntary sky-diving in this; it’s all in a lovely green pasture):

Look at the poor things - they’re like a novelty domino rally. If this occurred in the wild, lions wouldn’t roar; they’d shout ‘Boo!’, leaving a field full of finger food without any of that awkward chasing and jumping.

Breed it into humans and we’ll end wars forever. One gunshot and everyone falls over…

I recently stumbled across an astounding discovery: the first drafts of four of the great Shakespeare’s plays. It is evident that he went through many stages of revision before ending up with the classic texts we know and love today, and these early versions give a fascinating insight into the creative process. I bring to you some exclusive previews before this gets picked up by the literary press and becomes international news.

The Taming of the Poo Comedy about a drunkard suffering from constant acute diarrhea. Well, perhaps not that cute. Like so many of the great bard’s works, it coined (and answered) a famous phrase when the hero exits some woods, pursued by a bear who is afflicted by the same problem.

A Midsummer Night’s Bream The original inspiration for Finding Nemo.

Hamlet Tragic tale of a tiny baby pig who just wants to herd sheep in Denmark. Ends badly in a bacon factory. With minor changes to cater for a younger audience, was also adapted into a film.

As You Like It, Not A Lot, But You Like It A farce of identity when a small bewigged magician named Paul and a wide range of supporting characters exchange disguises until he finds the love of his life, Deborah. Ends with a twist into horror as Paul saws his new wife in half.

Now I’ve had a bit of a rant about doggy accoutrements before but take a look at this:

Aaah, it’s a cave for your pet pooch from Pooch Online. Your beloved bundle of fluff can pretend it’s a bit more of a wolf than its four-inch legs might suggest. This custom cavern is built with a multi-layer construction for “a cozy, calm denning experience”. I’m sure you’ve heard many complaints from dogs who are unhappy with the poor denning experience provided by their owners – a simple basket and blanket just doesn’t measure up when Fido next door can go spelunking through his very own Wookey Hole.

Not to mention the “grand, cathedral-like entry of the root” to impress upon visitors that this is the very highest echelon of fake papier mâché dog caves (although the site says ‘paper mache’ because speaking French is un-American.)

But the defining pinnacle of this astounding canine chamber is the accessory it comes with: a personal, limited edition “Sidekick Rock”. Rover’s life is now complete. Your pet will now have it’s own 70s-fad-inspired pet rock, albeit one that’ll be kinder to the teeth than the original version.

Obviously, by the time I had read through to this point I had already pulled my wallet out ready to buy, despite not even owning a dog. This is the ultimate item to make my life complete. Add to basket, add to basket.

Then, just as I was typing in my credit card details, I noticed something odd. There was a little number that needed my attention – the price.

$5900

Even with the exchange rates at present, that’s around £2,900. It would appear that the current housing crisis hasn’t had a knock-on effect on doggy domiciles. For a lump of paste and cardboard reminiscent of something you’d make in primary school when you’re not eating the glue and flicking paint at the girls across the desk, you’re practically going to have to take out a mortgage.

I hope your dog can afford to pay rent.

Before you read the rest of this post, a notice:

Warning: The copyright proprietor has licensed this blog post (including its non-existent soundtrack) for private home use only. The definition of home use excludes the use of this blog post at locations such as clubs, coaches, hospitals, hotels, oil rigs, prisons, schools, the birthday parties of small children, monasteries, igloos, bawdy houses, deep-sea submersibles, space shuttles and monkey (or related ape) enclosures.

Any unauthorised copying, editing, exhibition, renting, exchanging, hiring, lending, broadcasting, reading, laughing at, quoting, extolling, denying, decrying, considering, ignoring, or thinking of this blog post, or any part thereof, is strictly prohibited and any such action establishes liability for a civil action and may give rise to criminal prosecution, professional assassination, strategic nuclear missile launch and the selling into slavery of the first-born of all your descendants in perpetuity.

Despite the fact that you are reading this completely legally and legitimately, I will now compel you to watch an unskippable film about how copying this blog post supports criminals, murderers, rapists and terrorists, and contributes to global warming, extinction of endangered animals, armageddon and heat rash.

I think you can see my point. I rather object to having threats rammed into my face every time I want to watch a DVD that I have bought with my own money from a completely licit retailer. And today as I browsed the film racks at my local Tesco store in the hope of finding something good to watch in the evening (at the same time worrying about the state of society when finding that The Condemned was in the charts, boasting the all-star line-up of former wrestler ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and former wrestler-pretending-to-be-footballer Vinnie Jones), I noticed something disturbing. From the flat screens that Tesco seem to have installed everywhere to further the cause of a Blade Runner/Minority Report-inspired advertising-saturated future came the sounds of the deeply irking ‘knock-off Nigel’ anti-piracy advert that’s been doing the rounds on TV.

Great. Thank you Tesco and whichever anti-copying federations are active in the UK. Thanks for browbeating and berating me about piracy even as I stand there hoping to give you money. Perhaps you could put a screen up by the eggs warning me that if I were to buy them and throw them at someone, I’ll be arrested and imprisoned for assault? Or how about a sign by the bananas covering the legal perils of dropping one of their skins and explaining how I’d be sued to kingdom come? Do these people not think that suggesting their own customers are criminals just might not be the best way to go about things?

I shall leave you with this lovely interpretation of the anti-copying trailer from the IT Crowd.

1) Loituma - Ievan Polkka

I first heard this tune playing over a dreamily bizarre video of a full-grown moose living as a house-pet in a family’s home – literally a moose loose aboot the hoose. It had its own mattress to lie on as it watched television, and at one point appears to carefully straighten a picture hanging on the wall. What made the footage a little sinister was that there were clearly moose antlers on the wall of one of the rooms. It brought to mind thoughts of ancient pagan rituals, where the unknowing victim is treated to a life of luxury before being sacrificed to the gods of fertility or clotheshangers or whatever.

But quite aside from that, it was the music that caught my attention. It reminds me a little of Sigur Ros, darlings of BBC nature film trailers and one of the few things to come out of Iceland apart from Bjork and garishly coloured packets of cheap frozen prawns. If you were just to take the vocals from a clutch of Sigur Ros tunes, layer them on top of each other and speed the whole lot up tenfold you might come out the other end with something like this song.

The band is from Finland and they’re called Loituma. To non-Finnish ears it sounds like a barbershop quartet who’ve experienced a life-altering religious experience that caused them to start speaking in tongues, but to a native this is a touching 1930s folk song. Be warned, this is also a major earworm that may well sneak into your head and never escape.

2) Bert and Ernie play a nice little song.

Who was it who said that comedy occurs when the familiar is juxtaposed with the unexpected? Oh yeah, it was me, just now. Watch.

When I’m bored there are times when the mind wanders in strange directions. And one of those directions has thrown up the following list of imaginary animals.

Please, dear readers, feel free to join in if you have any of your own.

Elepant: A large animal with a shiny skin ideal for making capacious trousers for popular beat artists such as MC Hammer.

Masking Shark: A vicious fish that won’t hesitate to bite, but luckily can be pulled off rather easily. Is somewhat resistant to paint.

Boeing Constrictor: Perhaps the most dangerous snake in the world – death from above at 500mph. Not to be confused with the harmless Feather Boa.

Marrowhawk: The universe’s only known airborne carnivorous vegetable.

Glue tit: Collects berries and seeds on its body by flying at speed through bushes. Mates for life, mainly because it has no choice in the matter.

Gimpanzee: A very submissive, rubbery ape. Waterproof and, should it fall out of a tree, simply bounces.

Komodo Wagon: A rather tragic reptile that – if it can’t find a slope – can only get around by lying in wait for other animals, biting one when it gets close, and hoping that it’ll be dragged somewhere new.

Tasmanian Breville: Australian marsupial which toasts its own food in a specially adapted pouch.

Chocolate Moose: Almost extinct due to hunting. Not found in warm climates.

Ford Puma: Small feline that looks as though it should have a good turn of speed, but in reality is disappointingly sluggish.

Solar Bear: Arctic bear that needs no food whatsoever. Popular with conservationists for its very low environmental impact. Has an unfortunate tendency to drown when it tries to go swimming at night.

Sporkbill: Close relative of the Spoonbill, only more adaptable.

Ray Mearskat: Gregarious rodent that can find food anywhere, and can make a shelter, four-course meal and a canoe out of a single twig and a pawful of nettles.

Armadildo: That’s quite enough of that.

Irony in action, folks.